New Year, New Movies #20: Curiosity Killed The Hamster

I hate 50 Shades of Grey. When I read the novel I texted a friend halfway through the first page to comment on its awfulness. I stuck with it though – I needed to read it so I could have an opinion on it. And my opinion was that it was terrible, and the sex scenes read like the author had never actually had sex, let alone anything approaching S&M. I shared this opinion with anyone and everyone; most people laughed with me but my sister told her friends that I was self-important and opinionated. I know this because she accidentally copied me into the Chat Messages saying so – a small thing in itself but one that’s convolutedly led to a massive rift in our family. But a friend told me that the movie ‘wasn’t that bad’, which made me curious. And you’ve seen the title of this post.

January 24, 2016

24. Fifty Shades of Grey, 2015

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How bad can it be? is a stupid question. It will always be bad. In this case, the quite frankly piss-poor source material has led to a fucking dreadful movie (and some dreadful fucking). Even the cast don’t give a shit – Jamie Dornan gives up on his American accent about halfway through, and Dakota Johnson starts imitating her mother in Working Girl. Everything about this film is bad. Terrible. Shouldn’t have been made. Awful. Horrible. That’s it – it’s horrible. Horror movies don’t pretend to be anything they’re not: this is abuse dressing itself up as romance. Avoid at all costs. 0/5

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